Monthly Shopping, realizing I'm human and everything in between...

So just recently, and when I say recently I mean yesterday, I realized that I am only human.  I will never be able to banish all my impulses.  I will never be able to walk by string cheese without buying it.  I will never be able to cut certain items out of my budget.  I will still have wants, needs and desires.  No matter how badly I want to believe that I can live without a lot of things, I'm wrong. 

My parents were very good to me.  We were by no means rich, but they gave my brother and I everything they could.  They allowed us to be athletes instead of forcing us to have after school jobs.  They paid for our car insurance, gas, clothes, and other necessities.  They didn't spoil us, forced us to learn hard lessons about wanting and needing, instilled the value of a dollar in us, and still, they didn't deprive us. 

Because of this, I am used to saving my money.  I didn't have the same monthly expenses as some of my friends (car insurance for instance).  This allowed me to put my entire paycheck into my savings account.  I have been saving since I was very young.  So when I left college for the real world, I had saved a pretty decent amount of money.  I lived knowing that double digit number was sitting in my savings account for a rainy day. 

However, that double digit number became a big fat check for the down payment on our home.  I'm not complaining, I love my house, and I can't imagine a better way to spend my savings, but now it's hard to pull up my savings account and see such a small, measly value.  And I would be lying if I said it doesn't worry me some times.  I used to split my paychecks between my spending money and my savings account.  I could quickly watch my savings multiply.  But now, I split my paycheck between my student loans, credit card payments, mortgage and utilities.  Whatevers left I put towards things for the house and groceries.  I haven't gotten to put any money into my savings account in a long time, and I think that's the biggest motivation behind getting my student loans paid off as fast as possible.  If I could be saving all this money that I'm putting towards my loans, I could be living very comfortably.  I would have a decent savings, and I might be able to treat myself to some of those things that I want so desperately right now. 

I guess it's only human to want things.  I just feel like all I do is want.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate absolutely everything I have.  I have a good life.  But I don't want to have to choose between one thing and another anymore.  I don't want to have to choose between that extra debt payment or buying a grill for our deck.  I think that's the hardest thing.  I have to rationalize every single purchase I make to myself.  I have to talk myself into buying things I need.  I'm not saying I want to give into all of my impulses, that would be counter productive.  I just want to not feel guilty when I do buy things, like clothes, for myself. 

But anyways, so in an effort to eliminate my impulse shopping, we have decided to try monthly shopping.  So yesterday, my boyfriend and I tried out BJ's for our first real bulk shopping trip.  I had to keep reminding myself that this (in theory) was the only grocery trip we were going to make until the middle of April, so it was okay that we were piling up so much food.  But when that total, that was just about double our weekly spending popped up on the screen I almost passed out. 

This is one of those things that I struggle with.  I was never good at the whole theory that if you spend more now you save in the long run.  It was always hard for me to dish out money all at once.  I always liked spending a little more often than a lot all at once.  So the total of our shopping trip completely threw me off guard.  But then, I forced myself to remember that this was for an entire months worth of grocery shopping.  I spent $240 last night, but I usually spend about a hundred dollars each week at the grocery store.  So, if we can actually make all that food last us until the middle of April, I will have essentially saved about $150.  Did that make writing the $240 check any easier?  No.  And I probably wont even notice that extra $150 in my account.  But it sounds good in theory.  And I think with a little practice and better planing I might actually be able to get the monthly bill down even lower.  I mean, there are only two of us.  It shouldn't be that expensive to feed two people who never eat breakfast for a month.  But we will see.

There are other parts of my spending besides groceries that I need to adjust.  I'm working on it slowly, but like I have recently learned, I'm only human.  There is only so much that I can do, so many places that I can cheat myself.